I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
