I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
