god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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