Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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