youre lurking in front of me
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
