Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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