I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
