You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
