how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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