GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
