He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
not ubering you a puppy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
