I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
