Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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