I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
