Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
