Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I will pee on everything he values.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
