DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
