Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
