Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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