dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
