So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize