Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
as a side note pls kill me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
