The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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