I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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