I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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