Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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