Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
