But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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