ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I look better un-naked...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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