where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
