I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
