My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
