Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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