I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
