I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
