If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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