just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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