Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
