My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my shit smells like andre
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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