my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
