It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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