its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
