Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
