i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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