not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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