Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
