Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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