if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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