i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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