She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
