my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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