I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
