checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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