Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
