Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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