At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
