i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize