I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
