I'm lost and stupid without you.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
