You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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