My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
These tits shall not be calmed
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
